Spring in the City

My attention these last months has been completely occupied by my family of origin and feelings around our past and present relationships. As I was leaving my families home and returning to prepare for my adventure across the country with my grandchild, I felt a nagging question surface.

It has been delightful to see my siblings, for the most part. My youngest sister has taken on the challenge to get the rest of us together that we might repair relationships. It is an incredibly optimistic and noble endeavor. One brother felt put out to even have to visit at all, another sister felt she had to be the boss of everything and when she couldn't left town. The sister who is organizing seem to be the most like I am. We both have families, have chosen to live outside of convention, and recognize the value of our money and skills. The other siblings seem to have focused their lives on travel and acquisition of possessions. All of us are products of a collector and pack rat, and as such, have our own issues of stuff to contend with.

My angst (or bother) stems from my sister's unwillingness to respond to me over the last 13 years. I called, wrote, emailed. She refused to reply. At my uncles funeral she told me she was mad at me. I apologized and left my contact information again. Now here we are. I was called into this situation expected to show up as support. I was always the closest in physical proximity, but left out of most family gatherings. I really want the answer to why she refused to contact me. I think...

On the other hand, it could be that the answer will just drive another wedge between us - that the past will be a barrier in the present and the perceived future. Here is my opportunity to let go. I am sometimes resistant. I get to this place where I feel like people should step up to what they have done and caused and apologize. I feel like I live in a big nothing. I am required to just keep reaching and loving and offering compassion no matter how others respond.

Which brings me back to being an instrument of peace.

This year's Lenten season has been a sincere focus and commitment in and on prayer. When I have struggled to hold my prayers in heart/mind, I have a recording of songs that bring them back to me. Yes, I gave up some luxury obsessions, but letting go of hurts and injuries has been a daily challenge. I am blessed to have had this time off work and to have been in the space where the injury originated to work through this process. Having a strong background in counseling and therapy, I did not shy away from the feelings that arose.

Today I am enjoying my adventure in the Bay Area. On this cold and rainy day, I have the time, space, and attention to relax and be here. There, is a place in the past. What's more, I have a four year old to experience joy and excitement anew. Her playful mature is more than enough to clear the past.

We watch  Angelina Ballerina. This is Polly, Angelina's little sister. Great song and message to remember.

Blessings to you all.

Namaste

Spiritual Solace

I am away from home. Even before I left I was struggling. I pervasive sadness settled upon me and I collapsed beneath its weight. I had been praying day and night yet found neither comfort nor peace. I can hear my father praying without ceasing. I am praying for him. Is he praying for another? Probably.

I read. I write. I pray. I let go. I watch the pain and struggle and feel helpless to shift the perspective. I cook and clean. I drive. I remain present. I pray. I read. I write.

Sometimes, I am snippy. I start down the name calling road but soon reach the fork of Let It Go or Resentment. The season of reflection and release is populated by family members I have not seen in seven to forty years. And even seven years ago, it was just in passing. There are so many stories to tell. So many memories to hear. So much hurt to rehash. Drawing the line is challenging when there is so much to review.

This week I have been looking at my obstacles to letting go and shifting perspective. I have elected to accept responsibility for how I show up today, regardless of what went on before or how other people act. I have been equally blessed to spend time with my cousins who have been kind and supportive as with my siblings who have been curt and aloof.

Still we pray.  Blessed be.