Sunday, April 8, 2012

Decisions, Habits and Choices

Back in February I decided I would work on letting go of some specific behaviors I had developed. As has become the pattern of life, for me, I had no idea that things would shift so dramatically.  For the first few days of Lent, I followed my tasks and objectives. Each morning I woke and began my prayers and meditation. I read from the treasury of Gilbran and then sat in reflection. I journaled and considered the moment.

When I returned to the world of my family of origin I continued my new patterns. As I sat with my dying mother, I was thankful for the comfort I could gather around me. For my life, I have always believed that my mother would one day reach out to me and make amends for the relationship we have experienced. In those final days I realized it was not going to happen. That the shift would come from my recognition of who I am because of who and how she was. That's what I offered in those quiet moments. At last I said, "good-bye" for I knew we had reached the end. My mother died a few hours later.

I gave up yogurt because I had some unhealthy attachments and associations with it. However, I developed a sugar craving which is new, to me. I do have bread and butter issues, but not usually sugar. I love chocolate, but choose gourmet rather than mainstream brands. Yes, I am a snob around coffee and chocolates. Well, I was until recently.

Since Tuesday, April 3rd, I have had M&Ms, Snickers, Dove, and Almond Joy. Good grief. That last bar is from maybe a year ago. It was stale, but still sweet. This comes up now as I was thinking of going to get more. I have sweet potatoes baking and carrots to be juiced. This is my standard fare, but I can feel the call of sugar.

Having reached the end of my previous commitment, I now sit in reflection of where to go next. I will be making yogurt again, but not picking up the previous habit. I  have been forty days without. By right, I should be clear. However, I think that I did not break the habit. I merely stopped practicing the behavior for a time.  That's how we easily fall back into our old ways. We haven't actually shifted.

Whether I am picking up or putting down/away, I am responsible for my behaviors which are reflective of my decisions, habits, and choices. Spring isn't just the time of clearing. We also see what has been hidden in the dark. Under the brightness and warmth of the sun our buried intentions bloom.

Still weeding...

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Spring in the City

My attention these last months has been completely occupied by my family of origin and feelings around our past and present relationships. As I was leaving my families home and returning to prepare for my adventure across the country with my grandchild, I felt a nagging question surface.

It has been delightful to see my siblings, for the most part. My youngest sister has taken on the challenge to get the rest of us together that we might repair relationships. It is an incredibly optimistic and noble endeavor. One brother felt put out to even have to visit at all, another sister felt she had to be the boss of everything and when she couldn't left town. The sister who is organizing seem to be the most like I am. We both have families, have chosen to live outside of convention, and recognize the value of our money and skills. The other siblings seem to have focused their lives on travel and acquisition of possessions. All of us are products of a collector and pack rat, and as such, have our own issues of stuff to contend with.

My angst (or bother) stems from my sister's unwillingness to respond to me over the last 13 years. I called, wrote, emailed. She refused to reply. At my uncles funeral she told me she was mad at me. I apologized and left my contact information again. Now here we are. I was called into this situation expected to show up as support. I was always the closest in physical proximity, but left out of most family gatherings. I really want the answer to why she refused to contact me. I think...

On the other hand, it could be that the answer will just drive another wedge between us - that the past will be a barrier in the present and the perceived future. Here is my opportunity to let go. I am sometimes resistant. I get to this place where I feel like people should step up to what they have done and caused and apologize. I feel like I live in a big nothing. I am required to just keep reaching and loving and offering compassion no matter how others respond.

Which brings me back to being an instrument of peace.

This year's Lenten season has been a sincere focus and commitment in and on prayer. When I have struggled to hold my prayers in heart/mind, I have a recording of songs that bring them back to me. Yes, I gave up some luxury obsessions, but letting go of hurts and injuries has been a daily challenge. I am blessed to have had this time off work and to have been in the space where the injury originated to work through this process. Having a strong background in counseling and therapy, I did not shy away from the feelings that arose.

Today I am enjoying my adventure in the Bay Area. On this cold and rainy day, I have the time, space, and attention to relax and be here. There, is a place in the past. What's more, I have a four year old to experience joy and excitement anew. Her playful mature is more than enough to clear the past.

We watch  Angelina Ballerina. This is Polly, Angelina's little sister. Great song and message to remember.

Blessings to you all.

Namaste

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Spiritual Solace

I am away from home. Even before I left I was struggling. I pervasive sadness settled upon me and I collapsed beneath its weight. I had been praying day and night yet found neither comfort nor peace. I can hear my father praying without ceasing. I am praying for him. Is he praying for another? Probably.

I read. I write. I pray. I let go. I watch the pain and struggle and feel helpless to shift the perspective. I cook and clean. I drive. I remain present. I pray. I read. I write.

Sometimes, I am snippy. I start down the name calling road but soon reach the fork of Let It Go or Resentment. The season of reflection and release is populated by family members I have not seen in seven to forty years. And even seven years ago, it was just in passing. There are so many stories to tell. So many memories to hear. So much hurt to rehash. Drawing the line is challenging when there is so much to review.

This week I have been looking at my obstacles to letting go and shifting perspective. I have elected to accept responsibility for how I show up today, regardless of what went on before or how other people act. I have been equally blessed to spend time with my cousins who have been kind and supportive as with my siblings who have been curt and aloof.

Still we pray.  Blessed be.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

An Instrument of Peace

For weeks, I had a deep urge to call my father. Finally, last week, I did and found that he was not doing well. I am thankful for the freedom to pack and travel to see about him. As I have other commitments, I left today, returning to my home. This morning, while I was stripping the bed for the next guest, the Prayer of St. Francis came to mind. Each morning I choose a chant to lead my meditation and agreed to follow this inclination. Standing before the bed, praying, I realized that an instrument of peace was most necessary in a time of war, conflict, dissension, or distress.

In that moment, I was thinking about the siblings who would follow me and how we purpose to leave and arrive at staggered dates thereby avoiding conflict, angst, or confrontation. And here I am praying to be an instrument of peace. When I am asked about this arrangement, I generally reply that I am praying for love and compassion around this situation. I figure there may come a moment when we will all stand together, but it is not this day.

I arrived to find my father weary. He drove up just as I was contemplating how to get into the house. My brother had traveled from the west coast and they were just back from the hospital with news that my mother's passing is imminent. Her liver has shut down and they have narrowed her time to days. My father, weary, distraught, and broken merely said, they don't know. It's in God's hands. He slowly moved across the room leaning on the table for support as he made his way toward a corner chair. The doctors want all the family gathered around. He is resistant. (At this point, we have all come to visit.)

Each step along this journey brings me a deeper understanding of the world I lived in and the trauma we endured before escape. Only the visiting brother and myself left home without return. Only the children born outside of September have heirs or families (that we know). We are each carrying a different perspective of what the death of the matriarch will mean.

Along my personal journey I have been committed to a daily practice of reading The Prophet, reflecting on the selection and journaling, chanting and praying, moving my body and focusing on clean foods. Most days I am happy and satisfied with nuts and seeds. When I take in warm foods a trigger trips and I find I am famished. These last days have taken an emotional toll. I can see it in my face and feel it in my body.

I am returned to my space and relax in the peace I have created here. I will return again to my father's house to be a blessing there. Wherever you are on this journey between dust and the return to dust, find joy and be blessed.

Namaste

Thursday, February 23, 2012

A Shift in Perspective

During this season I am committed to spiritual renewal and have set the following process forward:
  • Daily physical movement - yoga, pilates, a walk outside
  • Chants and meditation
  • Affirmations
  • Reading The Prophet 
  • Reflecting on read passage
  • Introspective review and writing - journal
  • Post to this blog and at least one other
  • Identify areas of self-indulgence and move away from those that do not support my growth and understanding
There are other blogs I will be following during this season. If you have a suggestion, please leave it in the comment section.

Be blessed on this journey.

Namaste

Monday, February 20, 2012

Forty Days of Focused Intention


The number forty symbolizes the death with oneself and the spiritual rebirth. It represents the complete and sufficient period to finish a work. It is a time for shaking off encumbrances and breaking through to spiritual renewal. 

The Lenten Season allows us to join with others around the world in making a personal and communal shift. Much like New Year’s resolutions, we garner strength from others who are going through a similar process. Different from resolutions, we will find solace with many who are faithful to their pledge. 

The methods and processes for observing Lent will vary from daily dietary fast, abstinence from defined behaviors and pleasures, daily and constant prayer and supplication, attendance of religious services, and giving to the those less fortunate either through service or alms. Some people are silent and personal during this period of contemplation, while others are exclamatory, begging pardon for their lack of participation due to self-denial.

This is my second year honoring this shared time observance. In the past, I set aside a specific time and cleansing routine for spring. It turns out that lent means spring, from the German lentz and the Dutch, lente. It was named after the lengthening of the days. I began my cleanse with the equinox. This year I begin on Ash Wednesday, though Eastern Orthodox began today, Ash Monday.

This season let us give up self-recrimination, doubt, regrets, and thoughts of anger of resentment. Let us daily affirm our connection with one another by reaching out to touch another human being in love and compassion. Follow along or share your reflections during the next forty days. 

No man knows how bad he is until he has tried very hard to be good. A silly idea is current that good people do not know what temptation means. This is an obvious lie. Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is. After all, you find out the strength of the German army by fighting it, not by giving in. A man who gives in to temptation after five minutes simply does not know what it would have been like an hour later.

That is why bad people, in one sense, know very little about badness. They have lived a sheltered life by always giving in. We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it.
(C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, p 13)

Lent is not a deprivation, but rather a reminder of what you have been blessed with. By depriving self of your blessings, you remember them with more appreciation (Mom H.)
Blessed Be!