Back in February I decided I would work on letting go of some specific behaviors I had developed. As has become the pattern of life, for me, I had no idea that things would shift so dramatically. For the first few days of Lent, I followed my tasks and objectives. Each morning I woke and began my prayers and meditation. I read from the treasury of Gilbran and then sat in reflection. I journaled and considered the moment.
When I returned to the world of my family of origin I continued my new patterns. As I sat with my dying mother, I was thankful for the comfort I could gather around me. For my life, I have always believed that my mother would one day reach out to me and make amends for the relationship we have experienced. In those final days I realized it was not going to happen. That the shift would come from my recognition of who I am because of who and how she was. That's what I offered in those quiet moments. At last I said, "good-bye" for I knew we had reached the end. My mother died a few hours later.
I gave up yogurt because I had some unhealthy attachments and associations with it. However, I developed a sugar craving which is new, to me. I do have bread and butter issues, but not usually sugar. I love chocolate, but choose gourmet rather than mainstream brands. Yes, I am a snob around coffee and chocolates. Well, I was until recently.
Since Tuesday, April 3rd, I have had M&Ms, Snickers, Dove, and Almond Joy. Good grief. That last bar is from maybe a year ago. It was stale, but still sweet. This comes up now as I was thinking of going to get more. I have sweet potatoes baking and carrots to be juiced. This is my standard fare, but I can feel the call of sugar.
Having reached the end of my previous commitment, I now sit in reflection of where to go next. I will be making yogurt again, but not picking up the previous habit. I have been forty days without. By right, I should be clear. However, I think that I did not break the habit. I merely stopped practicing the behavior for a time. That's how we easily fall back into our old ways. We haven't actually shifted.
Whether I am picking up or putting down/away, I am responsible for my behaviors which are reflective of my decisions, habits, and choices. Spring isn't just the time of clearing. We also see what has been hidden in the dark. Under the brightness and warmth of the sun our buried intentions bloom.
Still weeding...
Hugs and prayers for you and your family. I found that with a balanced diet, the sugar cravings go away. I also found that lots of prayer is comforting.
ReplyDelete"When I returned to the world of my family of origin I continued my new patterns. As I sat with my dying mother, I was thankful for the comfort I could gather around me. For my life, I have always believed that my mother would one day reach out to me and make amends for the relationship we have experienced. In those final days I realized it was not going to happen. That the shift would come from my recognition of who I am because of who and how she was. That's what I offered in those quiet moments. At last I said, "good-bye" for I knew we had reached the end. My mother died a few hours later."
ReplyDeleteBeautiful and almost identical to me except it was my dad and I held his hand when he took his last breath. He never reached out to me in life, but I told him how I felt in his final days and then, almost a year after he passed, I felt him reach out. I felt his apology. It was as if he could finally see the big picture and he was sorry. I can't tell you how much peace that brought. Now I feel his presence and love for the first time in my life.
Thank you for sharing your story.
DeleteSince my mother's death, I have learned so much about her life before I came along. I've been transcribing her writings I found in a notebook - maybe fiction, probably not.
What I was waiting for was not available. My mother set up the world to run a very specific way. She even made plans to hold everything in place after she died. Most of it is very sad, to me. What I must accept today, is that for those who are comfortable, it is not a problem. And in reality, my life is good.